I feel...

I feel depressed about tomorrow's class, meaning I feel discouraged. I do not feel excited. I am not looking forward to it. I wish I could take a shit and type at the same time, but I don't think that would go well. Now I am thinking that I should put this on my blog because the part about taking a shit while typing is funny.

I feel depressed about tomorrow's class, meaning I don't really have anything planned and I have little to no interest in thinking of something. Now I am thinking that I should not post this on my blog because my employers might find it and think that I am not dutiful. I am dutiful. I just don't want to teach tomorrow. It's probably not going to go well. It will be my 2nd to last class there and that affects the way I feel about it. I feel confused. I don't know how to feel.

I feel sad. I feel relieved. I feel worried. I feel conflicted. It feels good to use short declarative sentences to describe the way I feel. Now I am thinking that I should put this on my blog because it is funny and insightful. I think I will put this on my blog.

This should be helping me come up with an idea for tomorrow's class, but instead it is making me want to post this on my blog. I should be processing my thoughts and feelings about teaching so that I can make use of them. I had hoped that I might think of a way to connect with my students visa vis my confusion and bewilderment about the upcoming end of our meeting together. It just feels confusing. Maybe this is the real heart of the problem I have been facing whilst teaching: I would rather be writing and thinking than thinking about how to teach writing or how to get my students to think about writing or just get my students to think. I shouldn't try to get anyone to do anything. I should encourage them. That is a better use of language, I think. I should encourage. Still, I would rather encourage myself, because I have things that I want to accomplish. I am pretty sure that makes me selfish. I think my employers would think that I am unfit for their organization were they to read this. I am fit. I am just also fit for myself and my projects. I have something to say, I think.

It is my job to care a lot and I do. I care a lot. Still, I cannot think of a way to have these last two classes. It feels strange. It feels awkward. How can it feel awkward in advance? It does. I feel akward sitting here, writing (typing) with no ideas springing forth like brain geysers. What can I do? I want to do the right thing. Now I am worried that the readers of my blog where I will most likely post this will not be interested. I have veered in the particulars. They are not interested in the particulars. However, it is necessary to get into the particulars if I am to discover anything.

I still have to take a shit. I may also take a shower. I feel afraid that these actions will result in my feeling sleepy and a desire to skip the whole lesson planning thing and just, yunno, wing it. I like to think that I am smarter than that. I also know that I have a strong and deep seated desire to avoid struggle and discomfort. It causes me discomfort to attempt to find a solution to this problem. I want you, readers of this future blog post, to know that I have not always been so remiss in my work. I have most Tuesday nights, worked diligently to prepare an interesting and well crafted lesson for my students. Tonight is different. Tonight feels useless.

Now I worry that I have completely lost my audience. Each time I feel that I am nearing a breakthrough, I am interrupted by the thought that my writing about such a breakthrough or the writing leading up to the breakthrough will not be interesting to my readership. What am I to do? I will leave this forum and proceed elsewhere.

I will go to the bathroom. I will perhaps post this on my blog. I will consider my class.

Thank you and goodnight,

Lindsey Boldt
1/25/11
9:26 pm