Friday, April 3, 2009

Chelsea Daily by Maxwell Heller

WORLD: Hilary Clinton Throws Down

After several weeks in the middle and far East during which she shattered convention by mentioning pertinent issues, Mrs. Clinton took time out with staff to bust some moves on a flattened cardboard box. "Oh no she di'n't!" reported one staff member (on the condition of anonymity) after Clinton spun three times on her back and then did the splits during a headstand.

NATION: Oregon Woman's Life Book-Ended by Misery

"Oh..." said Oregon resident Betsy Fuller, 84, as she quietly passed away earlier this morning in the company of her financially ruined family. After watching a FoxNews special on the shanty towns appearing across the US, which brought back memories of her childhood during the Great Depression, Mrs. Fuller realized that she had lived just long enough to suffer for the financial mistakes of both her parents and her children.

LOCAL: Local Man Experiences Moment of Doubt

For the first time since Britney Spears botched her comeback performance at the MTV Awards (2007), local man Alex Trent, creative director for 2(x)ist, experienced a moment of doubt. Having checked his clothes at the door of the Black Party, an annual Chelsea Bacchanal, he was about to have a claim number Sharpied onto his naked body when he blinked twice, shook his head, and seemed to grasp what he was doing for a split second. Fortunately, friends talked him through the moment, and sources say that he was able to stay for duration of the 18 hour amphetamine-fueled event. (Not Pictured)

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