Exerpts:
...It's something much more variegated and multiple. I know and feel many things simultaneously. I wish I could conceptualize the breadth of them but instead they surface and sink individually and I end up feeling like I'm playing a game of wack-a-mole where I'm both the mallet and the mole...
...But it's desire too, not just pain though they are often the same. The sources and strains conflate and vibrate against each other. Sometimes I can't tell them apart. Sometimes I realize that what I thought was the sound of two separate strains was only one or visa versa. I made a practice of listening to music that mirrored the pain and amplified it. In doing this I turned up the volume and tried to listen for the pops and cracks, the tape hiss, the squeak of a piano bench, hoping that I would hear something other than emotion, some kind of real world out of which the emotion came...
.... I don't honestly know what the reason for this letter (email) is. I try to put on my teacher hat, that still fits poorly, and think what my objective is but I don't know that I have one this time. The best reason I can think of to write and send this is that it means that I am not afraid of my life...
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