Thursday, January 24, 2008

Failed Online Business Ventures by Maxwell Heller

Failed Online Business Ventures invented by Max at lunch
Send your lack-luster love notes to on-call New York poets for embellishment.
Lovely young person joins you at family gathering, coughs violently when uncomfortable subjects are broached.
Portrait archive of Iraq casualties—rate their looks on 1-10 scale.
Research artists on biography database—helpful tips provided by cartoon Frida Kahlo!
Yentas listen to your back-stabbing friends' convoluted he-said-she-said stories and translate them into at-a-glance diagrams.
Yentas research your friend / relative to find sensitive information about their mother. Great for the Holiday Season.
For anti-semites, a website of pay-per-view videos of Hatzolah (Jewish ambulance) interiors.
Chelsea gallery owners offer cutting, underhanded remarks tailored to your situation.
New York poets take your angst-ridden prose poems and remix them into experimental artwork.
Meet singles who appear confident in social settings, but reveal crippling body issues in the bedroom.
Staff of high school girls insult your best friend's lover by text message daily. Free "told-you-so" service for successfully toppled relationships.
Hobos fill out change-of-address forms, reroute your enemy's mail to you!
Attractive, affable men seduce your manly-man enemy—devastating!
For Jewish orphans, daily degrading insults and insidious guilt-trips from real Jewish couples!
Enter information about your ex-lovers and calculates which one of them really could have been the one! For just $5.99, the site explains whether your looks, personality, family, friends, or poor credit destroyed that potentially life-long dream-match!

Sylvia adds:
Floor plans to all major jails / prisons / mental institutions. Not for profit. Links to

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