Rub Rub *after antony and the johnsons*

flutter by your self
you chubby-built-to-lift-me-up
by my cheeks, I have feelings
by my teeth, I feel a slime behind
and slipping through
keep my hand held high and flat
to hover and fly the air currents
you boy, will grow up to be
a strong, strong woman--somewoman
this makes me. Makes me somewoman
who will kiss these crossed knees
open the shy...

Failed Online Business Ventures by Maxwell Heller

Failed Online Business Ventures invented by Max at lunch

cyrano.com
Send your lack-luster love notes to on-call New York poets for embellishment.

slightcough.com
Lovely young person joins you at family gathering, coughs violently when uncomfortable subjects are broached.

hotshot.com
Portrait archive of Iraq casualties—rate their looks on 1-10 scale.

unibrowser.com
Research artists on biography database—helpful tips provided by cartoon Frida Kahlo!

hermeshelper.com
Yentas listen to your back-stabbing friends' convoluted he-said-she-said stories and translate them into at-a-glance diagrams.

hermeshelper.com/yomama
Yentas research your friend / relative to find sensitive information about their mother. Great for the Holiday Season.

sixmillionandcounting.com
For anti-semites, a website of pay-per-view videos of Hatzolah (Jewish ambulance) interiors.

onelineonline.com
Chelsea gallery owners offer cutting, underhanded remarks tailored to your situation.

mentfrag.com
New York poets take your angst-ridden prose poems and remix them into experimental artwork.

lightsoutplease.com
Meet singles who appear confident in social settings, but reveal crippling body issues in the bedroom.

justleave.com
Staff of high school girls insult your best friend's lover by text message daily. Free "told-you-so" service for successfully toppled relationships.

nobillsnonothing.com
Hobos fill out change-of-address forms, reroute your enemy's mail to you!

straightjacket.com
Attractive, affable men seduce your manly-man enemy—devastating!

guiltfree.com
For Jewish orphans, daily degrading insults and insidious guilt-trips from real Jewish couples!

mighthavebeen.com
Enter information about your ex-lovers and mighthavebeen.com calculates which one of them really could have been the one! For just $5.99, the site explains whether your looks, personality, family, friends, or poor credit destroyed that potentially life-long dream-match!

Sylvia adds:

getoutfree.org
Floor plans to all major jails / prisons / mental institutions. Not for profit. Links to homedepot.com

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Thank you.

Here is my attempt to eulogize him in song lyrics shortly after he died in 2003:

Hey Mr. Rogers, why aren't there more of you?
Men who wear sweaters, nice slacks and leather shoes
Why oh why oh why did you go?
When we need you most of all
When things in my own neighborhood apall me

Speedy delivery bombs are falling from the sky
and even Picture Picture can't tell me how or why
I'll take the trolly away from here
to that faraway place where I will feel no fear, no fear

...and then it trails off, lots of strumming and humming

2008 Part 2

2008 started off with a bang. Now to figure out whether one has been shot out of a cannon (potentially good, figuratively speeking, as in being propelled forward in a positive direction) or if one just shot one's self in the foot (usually bad). Either way something happened and this one is reacting.

Oh for Crying Outloud. Really?

That's just not fair to me personally.

Today is a special day.

Why? I'm not sure. Maybe tell me. I'm hoping tomorrow will be even special-er.

Here's to 2008. Sure to be a sexy year according to Dimitri, the French roommate. Why? Think of the 8. Curvaceous, bodacious, two holes! (he says). That's as good a reason as any. I'm unsure.

I say, watch out. This year has something to say. I'm listening. I'm listening.